15 Naughty Songs To Bring in the Holiday Cheer

15 Naughty Songs To Bring in the Holiday Cheer features songs by All Time Low, Big Fredia, Blink-182, Ella Fitzgerald, Lady Gaga, and Sabrina Carpenter. 

Naughtiness is commonplace on The Musical Hype. I don’t shy away from controversial, explicit, or unapologetic songs on the site. I live for that smoke, baby! So, in the spirit of Christmas, or in many cases, sex, I unveil a naughty collection of holiday songs, some of which you should not play everywhere… 15 Naughty Songs To Bring in the Holiday Cheer features songs by All Time Low, Big Freedia, Blink-182, Ella Fitzgerald, Lady Gaga, and Sabrina Carpenter.  So, finishing off those Thanksgiving leftovers, it’s time to be aroused, shocked, and utterly speechless as you check out 15 Naughty Songs To Bring in the Holiday Cheer. Bad Santa is alive and well!

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1. Afroman, “Deck My Balls”

“Lick my balls with lots of saliva / Fa-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la / ‘Tis the season to suck a drunk driver / Fa-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la.”

The one-hit wonder rapper Afroman keeps it short and unapologetic as fuck on “Deck My Balls,” the opener from his Christmas album, A Colt 45 Christmas. Yes, the f-bomb is necessary to describe this naughty track that surely earned Afroman a lump of coal from Santa! The intro from the album is inoffensive – nothing to ruffle any feathers about. But the chorus, sung to the tune of “Deck The Halls”, is ghetto as fizzuck. “Lick my balls with lots of saliva / Fa-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la / ‘Tis the season to suck a drunk driver / Fa-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la.” 👀 Wow 😮.  It doesn’t stop with fellating the inebriated either! Afroman mentions “Blazin’ blunts in a beat-up Taurus,” using a “Digital scale to weigh and measure” the dope to be sold, and fittingly, being “Drunk and high in real cold weather.” No further analysis is necessary.  “Deck My Balls” is what it is!

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2. blink-182, “Happy Holidays, You Bastard”

It’s hard to imagine that 45 seconds of song can be impactful or potent. Not a long runtime in the least! But in the hands of blink-182, their brevity pays off, yielding a bold, scathing, unholiday-like song with “Happy Holidays, You Bastard”. The title speaks volumes without ever hearing one note of the fourth track from Take Off Your Pants And Jacket.  This was prime blink-182, who gave, stayed together for the kids, and gave zero fucks.

Mark Hoppus comes in hot on “Happy Holidays, You Bastard.” In the first verse, he memorably sings, “It’s Christmas Eve and I’ve only wrapped two fuckin’ presents,” and adds, “And I hate, hate, hate your guts /… And I’ll never talk to you again.” In the second verse, he shifts to a different holiday, Labor Day, talking about his grandpa eating “seven fuckin’ hot dogs,” and, expectedly, “He shit, shit, shit his pants.” Even with a shitting grandpa 👴 🤭, Hoppus informs, “And I’ll never talk to you again.” The centerpiece of this off-the-rails, up-tempo, and wild punk/pop-punk cut is the chorus, which is, as you might guess, NSFW.

“Unless your dad will suck me off, I’ll never talk to you again

Unless your mom will touch my cock, I’ll never talk to you again

Ejaculate into a sock, I’ll never talk to you again

I’ll never talk to you again.”

👀 👀 👀 Likely, Dad is not going to give him a blowjob, nor is Mom going to touch his cock. But, you never know, and maybe, just maybe, Mark will have to talk to them again. “Happy Holidays, You Bastard” is something else!

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3. Sabrina Carpenter, “buy me presents”

fruitcake (EP) » Island » 2023

Per Grammy-winning pop singer/songwriter, Sabrina Carpenter: “If you were a wise man, baby, you would drop / Every other ho, ho, ho and put me on top.” Ah, so much to unpack on those two excerpted lyrics from “buy me presents”. The arrival of “Buy Me Presents” preceded Carpenter’s breakthrough, Short N Sweet.  It is the second track from her 2023 holiday EP, fruitcake.  Early on, Carpenter is trying to entice this fella.  The clever wordplay on ho, and the double entendre of put me on top should be enough to win him over!

Carpenter penned this naughty little gem with Steph Jones and producer John Ryan.  She sings well, bringing ample playfulness to the track.  She also brings a parental advisory explicit lyrics tag thanks to the pre-chorus: “Fuck the jet, send the sleigh / It’s a packed holiday, and I got options, babe (Ah).” The f-bomb’ll secure that tag every time! The second verse is as colorful, if not more so, than the first.  Santa Claus is objectified, with his older age and the fact that he’s “Got a bit of a dad bod.” It’s giving silver fox! Most cheeky, this damn hottie “Knows when I’m sleepin’ / And he knows when I’m not.” The section of the song to beat should come as no surprise: the chorus!

“If you don’t wanna buy me presents

Drink me like a warm glass of milk (Oh)

If you’re not gonna (You’re not gonna) race here from the

North Pole to Beverly Hills

Just to keep my stockin’ filled (So filled)

Well, I know somebody who will.”

Speechless 😶. Hopefully, we don’t get put on the naughty list for vibing out to “buy me presents” and crushing on Old Saint Nick 🎅 🤭!

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4. Stemin, “Gay, Gay, Holiday”

“It’s a gay, gay holiday / Santa, come inside, I can’t wait.”

Do you mean come, or cum, Stemin 🍆🍑? Okay, okay, I’m being naughty, but it also seems like our queer, Amsterdam-based R&B artist is being naughty too! On his gay, gay Christmas song, “Gay, Gay, Holiday”, our handsome 🥵, talented artist is accompanied by a sleek, contemporary R&B backdrop.  His vocals ‘sleigh’… I mean, they ‘slay,’ and the lyrics are – wait for it – gay, gay, gay 😝! Does Stemin get too steamy for a Christmas song? Hell no! Stemin uses the gift of innuendo masterfully:

“What a dream, it’s such a sight

You and me together we would fit so right

Slide on down my chimney

Helly, jolly man come light my tree.”

Hmm, well, that chimney sounds, um, different 😜! Also, “ho, ho, ho” is more like “hoe, hoe, hoe” in Stemin’s song.  There’s more gayness that makes this “Gay, Gay, Holiday” far more appealing than a straight one! “It’s a gay, gay, holiday / Gimme loads of toys / From your long sleigh,” he sings, adding that “Naughty boys can be so nice.” When it comes to the bedroom, that’s a resounding hell yes! Honestly, he has far too much fun, whether it’s kissing Santa under the mistletoe or playing “Outside with white snowballs” (emphasis on balls). Stemin takes us on a “Gay, Gay, Holiday” we’ll never forget!

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5. Ella Fitzgerald, “Santa Claus Got Stuck (In My Chimney)”

“Santa Claus got stuck in my chimney / When he came last year (Poor Santa Claus).”

Oh, my! Ella Fitzgerald (1917 – 1996), my dear, you’re crazy for this one!  Yes, Santa Claus is associated with going down the chimney to deliver presents for boys and girls around the world, but chimney is also slang for the vagina 🫣. “Santa Claus Got Stuck (In My Chimney)” appears on Fitzgerald’s Christmas album, Ella Wish You a Swinging Christmas.  “Santa” was originally recorded in 1950. Billy Moore and William D. Hardy penned this innuendo-laden, naughty song where, once again, Santa Claus is made to look not-so-innocent 👀. Milt Gabler produced this traditional pop cut that, perhaps, shouldn’t be risqué, but ends up being risqué. Risqué, for a 1950s song, is contextual, of course.

As always, Ella Fitzgerald shines vocally. Her tone is divine.  Her phrasing is delightful.  Her performance is playful, amplifying this dirty Santa happening 😈!  It all centers around a chimney that Santa typically navigates with ease 😏. Ella is fearful of the misadventure this year: “He won’t come back, I fear (Boohoo).” That misadventure involves being “in the middle of the Chimney / Roly-poly, fat, and round /… Not quite up and not quite down.” 👀 Santa Claus is girthy… or so the lyrics suggest.  Despite being stuck and struggling to penetrate that snug, tight chimney (🤭), Ella begs him, “Santa, please, come back to my chimney.” I mean, Santa is a handsome old fella, and one mishap shouldn’t end the possibilities of good 🍆 … Anyways, Ella adds some key info regarding the chimney: “You can come back here (Please do-ooh-ooh) / ‘Cause daddy made a brand new chimney / Just for you this year.” I have questions, Ella, but I’ve been pervy enough with my commentary regarding this song, hence why, I digress. After all, I want Santa to come down my chimney, too, and not leave me a lump of coal for being a naughty boy! Fun and mostly harmless, “Santa Claus Got Stuck (In My Chimney)” is an example of old-school double entendre and suggestive lyrics at its finest. As always, Ella Fitzgerald ate and left no crumbs!

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6. Big Freedia, “Santa Is a Gay Man”

“Maybe Santa is a black fag.”

🫣 😳 😶… Backtracking, according to the gospel of Big Freedia, “Santa Is a Gay Man” 👀. Not the way it was scripted when I was a child, but Santa is an attractive older man.  I wonder, is he truly a man ho, ho, ho 😏? Moving on, Big Freedia doesn’t hold back on the fourth and final track from her 2016 EP, A Very Big Freedia Christmas.  Over the course of three verses, she gays it up, and we wouldn’t have it any other way!

In the first verse, Freedia asks Santa for a dream, aka, a man. “Make him the cutest boy I’ve ever seen,” she raps, and adds, “And tell him I’ll be happy to bend over.” Oh, snap! But honestly, she’s not wrong! Having been a good Big Freedia, she tells Mr. Ho, Ho, Ho, “I used protection, whenever I could / Now that I’m down on my knees / Mr. Santa don’t forget about me.” Moving on, in the second verse, she continues to build a man for Santa to bring, but admits, “These younger guys aren’t quite on my level.” She adds, “Now that I’m older, I don’t want a twink / I want a man, who’s older and wiser.” Can you guess who that ends up being, folks? “[Santa] Come down my chimney if you can / Mister Santa is a gay man.” By the third and final verse, Freedia has characterized her gay Santa. “I’d love to grab a hold of that belly / And make it jiggle like a bowl of KY jelly,” she asserts, and adds, “I want a Santa who’s big, black, and tall.” Santa would probably best be categorized as a bear, right?  And, reiterating the first excerpted lyric, “Maybe Santa is a black fag.” Big Freedia is something else, transforming “Mr. Sandman” by The Chordettes into a horny, queer, bounce, holiday joint. I still wonder, Freedia, where does Mrs. Claus come into the picture if, indeed, “Santa Is a Gay Man” 🤔?

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7. Pansy Division, “Homo Christmas”

In the hands of Pansy Division, Christmas is incredibly queer. That is an understatement, honestly!  The queerness is on brand for a band that specializes in entertaining and unapologetic gay songs. “Homo Christmas”, hence, does not disappoint, appearing as the 29^th track on the band’s greatest hits compilation, The Essential Pansy Division. Fun fact, it precedes a song, colorfully titled, “He Whipped My Ass in Tennis (Then I Fucked His Ass in Bed)” 😶 😶 😶.

Jon Ginoli (b. 1959) reads our minds on “Homo Christmas.” Forget about the gift of sweaters, underwear, and socks (unless they’re fun undies, of course 😈), “What you’d really like for Christmas is a nice hard cock / You deserve a cut boy who’s horny and queer / To make the most out of Christmas cheer.” He’s not wrong 🤤… In the second verse, Ginoli offers to “Do you [me…us] underneath the Christmas tree.”  This includes unwrapping, but not the gifts underneath the tree, of course 😈! In the third and final verse, we get surefire, unapologetic sexual nourishment – his words, not mine! He asserts, “Licking nipples, licking nuts / Putting candy canes up each other’s butts.” Holy fucking shit! The chorus, the centerpiece of this naughty, NSFW punk, queercore cut, sums up the happenings:

“I wanna be your Christmas present

I wanna be your Christmas queer

I wanna be your Christmas present

Have a homo Christmas

… Have a homo Christmas this year.” 

Does any more need to be said? “Homo Christmas” is homo to the core.  Hey, they don’t call it queercore for nothing, right? Damn right! 

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8. Lady Gaga, “Christmas Tree” (Ft. Space Cowboy)

“Ra-pa-pum-pum / Ra-pa-pum-pum.”

Word. She’s provocative.  The highly decorated, incredibly talented Lady Gaga (Stefani Germanotta, b. 1986) has excelled at being provocative throughout her career.  Post The Fame, in December 2008, she collaborated with Space Cowboy (Nicolas Jean-Pierre Patrick Dresti, b. 1975) on an original, electro-tinged Christmas pop song, “Christmas Tree”. Unattached to an album, the brief “Christmas Tree” features its fair share of innuendo, naughtiness, and suggestiveness.  It’s not explicit – there are no dirty words – but it’s not that innocent, Britney!

“Light me up, put me on top / Let’s fa-la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la.”

It goes without saying that this really has nothing to do with a Christmas tree 😏. It does, however, seem to involve intimacy.  Lady Gaga is being ignited; she desires to be on top, and those “fa-la-la(s)” seem like euphemisms for a four-letter word that rhymes with truck. Gaga goes on to add, “The only place you’ll wanna be / Is underneath my Christmas tree.” Again, this is not about the beloved Christmas decoration. Sure, Gaga could be going for non-sexual vibes, suggesting her lover is willing to relinquish dominance to her, but it’s also giving a heaping dose of innuendo.  The sensual vibes are clarified later, with the mention of mistletoe in the first verse, and the lyrics, “We will take off our clothes… / Yes, if you want us to, we will, you.” From there, Gaga tells us, “My Christmas tree’s delicious.” Oh, really 😈? Space Cowboy joins the party, lighting up Gaga, and performing the second verse (a repeat of the first). Gaga goes solo in the third and final verse where, in “The best time of the year,” she “Take(s) off my stockings, we’re / Out spreading Christmas cheer.” There have been dirtier, more provocative songs by Lady Gaga, but she and Space Cowboy hit that (🤭)… land the innuendo like champs on “Christmas Tree”.

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9. Matt Rogers, “santa boy”

Oh, Matt Rogers – whatta handsome, talented man 😍! Rogers dropped an entertaining, utterly gay Christmas song with “santa boy”.  Can we all agree that Santa is LGBT? If not, Rogers convinces us in this naughty little ditty (“Santa, come out, be with me / U-N-I, L-G-B-T / U-R gay, B true 2 Q / Love yourself like I love you”)! Rogers, Henry Koperski, and Ethan Christopher penned this unforgettable Santa song that you probably, rather, definitely should NOT play for the kids! The sexual innuendo is turned. Santa is a sex-positive boy these days! “I count the days ‘til Christmas time / That’s when he comes back in my life,” Rogers sings in the first verse. “He slides down like a chimneysweep / Walks past the tree / And kisses me / We make love bathed in Christmas lights / He makes me scream, ‘O Holy Night.’” Blasphemy 😳, but, dare I say, hot 🥵 😈! What about Mrs. Claus? If Santa comes and fools around with Matt, where does she fall in this?

“Santa, I respect your wife

What I can’t accept  tonight

Is other boys, far and near

Getting all your Christmas cheer

Santa, why you gotta do me like other boys?

Take a bite of my cookie and go

Now I feel like a ho.”

Wow 😮! Also, Santa is a ‘HO.’ “Santa boy” is a trip, but a merry, merry one performed by a fine man with a gorgeous voice.  Also, that musical backdrop is lit 🔥 like the Christmas tree Rogers and Santa are fooling around under! Sometimes, it feels so good to be a “Ho, ho, ho” 😝!

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10. Kisos, “Santa’s Bussy (Gangbang Remix) [Santussy]”

“Would you let us paint the winter wonderland white again?”

😳 “Could Santa spare some bussy? / Just a snowflake of Santussy? / Mrs. Claus, you gotta tell me / Need consent to eat his coochie.” WHOA! Kisos is NSFW on “Santa’s Bussy (Gangbang Remix) [Santussy]”, the 2023 remix of his naughty, horny, 2019 joint, “Santa’s Bussy (Santussy)”.  Making the journey more sexed-up, he brings along Lil Nugget and Bryce Quartz for the ‘ride.’ Outlandish AF, this joint is something else.  After Kisos delivers the chorus asking for consent to mess around with Santa (like, ho, ho, ho), ‘mysterious kween’ Lil Nugget shares quite the penetrative story (“To dick my halls with balls so jolly / Pussy so good that he calls me mommy / Come on over Santa I been so oh, so naughty / Use my face as a big ol’ potty”). #SPEECHLESS! Bryce Quartz gets into the unhinged fantastical Santa sexing too: “I listed the gifts that I wanted from Santa / Dildos and cum from the daddies and grandpa.” He closes with a… BANG: “Yeah he fuckin’ me under the mistletoe I’m moan until I scream.” “Santa’s Bussy (Gangbang Remix) [Santussy]” is not for kids (no shit, Sherlock), but the outlandishness is part of the charm. “Can I shove this candy cane up your holly jolly hole?” is just what the dirty doctor ordered.  

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11. All Time Low, “Merry Christmas, Kiss My Ass” 

“So, I wrote a song / Hope that you sing along / Here it goes / Merry Christmas, bitch – kiss my ass!”

Christmas actually isn’t the main focus of the All Time Low song, “Merry Christmas, Kiss My Ass”, which appears from their 2011 studio album, Dirty Work. Frontman Alex Gaskarth has experienced heartbreak – a bad break-up – so, essentially, his ex has totally ‘pooed’ on any holiday spirit he might have experienced. “Don’t you think it’s kind of crappy / What you did this holiday? / When I gave you my heart, you ripped it apart / Like wrapping paper trash.” Oh, sugar foot! 

Alex spends the entirety of the song angry AF to say the least – there’s no other way to put it.  In the second verse, he’s so pissed that he asserts, “I tear down decorations / They remind me of your smile / I hate that mistletoe / It makes me think of our first kiss.” Yup, angry and totally emo to the nth degree.  Essentially, ‘merry’ isn’t very ‘merry’ in the least here.  More interesting is the colorful phrase, kiss my ass, which typically isn’t associated with Christmas in the least.  

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12. Matt Rogers, “Rudolph the Deep Throat Reindeer”

“He’s a homo, a faggot, and girls don’t affect him / Loves to stuff gerbils and fists up his rectum / Surely you recall the most limp-wristed reindeer 🦌 of all.”

😳 😶! There are two separate Matt Rogers, in case you wondered.  There’s the hottie Matt Rogers, who messes around with Santa once a year.  Santa is a HO, after all.  Then, there’s the other Matt Rogers, a parodist who infamously transformed “Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer” into the X-rated “Rudolph the Deep Throat Reindeer”. Rogers keeps things unapologetic and NSFW in the sixth track from Rated Xmas.

“Rudolph the Deep Throat Reindeer” confirms the pornographic vibes of Rated Xmas.  Deepthroat is firmly planted in p0rn.  In the intro, Rogers plays on gay stereotypes and slurs to characterize Rudolph. Honestly, he makes you rethink “the most famous reindeer of all.” Was he 🌈? If he wasn’t queer originally, Rogers characterizes him as a firm member of the LGBTQ community. “Rudolph the Deep Throat Reindeer / Wore a skirt and pantyhose / And if you ever saw him / You would know at once he blows,” the vocalist (whoever she is) sings, adding, “All of the other reindeer /… said he was a fag deer / And threw snow on him to kill the flames.” Hot mess! Of course, Santa Claus, who we know is a HO, needs pleasure from his most famous reindeer: “‘Mrs. Claus is on the rag / Suck me dry, you reindeer fag’.” There are distinct voices for Santa and Rudolph’s interactions, by the way. Also, the elves, considered to be Gayish, want to experience Rudolph too (“Rudolph, you deepthroat reindeer / Will you please go down on me?”). Rogers drops his fair share of one-liners that desecrate the innocence of Rudolph, including two bottoming references: “‘Rudolph, now you turn around / I feel like getting my dick brown’” and “He [Rudolph] rides in back with Santa / Going ‘round the world and giving head.” “Rudolph the Deep Throat Reindeer” is something else… it should be taken with a grain of salt.  Merry Christmas… I think 😳.

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13. Fear, “Fuck Christmas”

FUCK CHRISTMAS! 😳 Wut? Don’t come @ me, bro.  NOT MY WORDS, but the words of the Los Angeles punk band, Fear. “Fuck Christmas” appeared on the band’s 1982 debut album, The Record.  Ultra brief, it is safe to say that Lee Ving (b. 1950) doesn’t fuck with Christmas. Basically, his words, again. “Fuck Christmas” begins in a minor key with a slower tempo. The intent seems to amplify the drama of this devastating holiday. “Don’t despair / Just because it’s Christmas / Children, they’re / All so gay at Christmas,” he sings, and continues, “All the children on the street / Hope they get something good to eat / But for me, it’s not so great.” Not an optimistic view of the most wonderful time of the year, is it? Fittingly, Ving drops the bomb eight times, with the tempo kicking up to a breakneck, archetypal punk speed: “Fuck Christmas / Fuck Christmas / Fuck Christmas / Fuck Christmas.” You get the picture.

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14. Clarence Carter, “Back Door Santa”

“They call me Back Door Santa / I make my runs about the break of day (oh, ho, ho) / I make all the little girls happy / While the boys are out to play.”

Um… wow… what can you say to that? Believe it or not, “Back Door Santa” is a classic – not brand-new freakiness! Sure, Clarence Carter is best known for his exceptional rendition of “Patches”, but he also brings some naughtiness to Christmas on “Back Door Santa.” Yeah, emphasis on the ho, ho part! “Back Door Santa” appears on his 1969 album, Testifyin’.  Carter penned the record alongside Marcus Daniel, while Rick Hall produced.  Notably, “Christmas in Hollis” by Run DMC samples this gem.

“I ain’t like old Saint Nick / He don’t come but once a year,”

Carter asserts in the second verse, adding, “I come running with my presents / Every time you call me dear.” Sure, those presents may be material things, but I’m sure they involve the bedroom too.  Actually, that’s revealed when Back Door Santa admits to “keep change in my pocket / In case the children at home / I give them a few pennies / So that we can be alone.” Ooh-la-la! And, in case he does get caught creeping, “I leave the back door open… / And wouldn’t old Santa be in trouble / If there ain’t no chimney in the house.” Oh, snap! “Back Door Santa” is one of a kind – an understatement! This Santa is not concerned with giving toys to children in the least. In the hands of Clarence Carter, well, Santa exemplifies being NAUGHTY! 

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15. Rufus Thomas, “I’ll Be Your Santa, Baby”

“I’ll slide down your chimney and bring you lots of joy,”

R&B/funk legend Rufus Thomas (1917 – 2001) sings in the first verse of “I’ll Be Your Santa, Baby”. He adds, “What I got for you, mama, it ain’t just a toy.” Oh, snap! Early on, “I’ll Be Your Santa, Baby” proves it is very much an adult Christmas carol – don’t play this one for the kids! That chimney is slang for her private parts… And the fact that he’s not giving mama a toy… Yeah, he’s giving her the real thing, and it starts with a P and involves penetration.  I have more questions regarding this carnal lyrics, but it’s probably best to refrain. Thomas and Oriell Roberts penned “I’ll Be Your Santa, Baby” while Tom Nixon produced this 70s holiday gem.

“I’ll Be Your Santa, Baby” is funky as hell from the beginning.  The bass line is big and fat, the drums pummel, while the horns have some extra stank on them.  It’s fitting given the wild lyrics.  Thomas matches the energy of the instrumental, infusing his performance with plenty of personality.  How could he not? He is singing about sex, after all.  His vocals are gritty, oozing with soul… and salaciousness.  Early on, before the double entendre kicks in, there are instrumental quotes from “Deck The Hall.” They are followed by lyrical and melodic quotes from “Here Comes Santa Claus.” Honestly, we should’ve known things were going left when Rufus asserts, “Here comes Santa Claus / Here comes Santa Claus,” referencing himself 😳. The lyrics remain N-A-U-G-H-T-Y beyond those excerpted above.  “It ain’t just a toy that I’ve got for you,” Thomas sings in the second verse, and adds, “I’ll be your Santa baby, playing lots and lots of games / When I’ve toyed with you baby, things won’t be the same.” Hmm, what specifically won’t be the same, Rufus? Asking for a friend.  There is, alas, a third verse, where our singer wants to ensure, “‘Cause this Christmas, mama, I showed you where it was at.” We’ll just assume he hit the spot, if you catch my drift. “I’ll Be Your Santa, Baby” is something else!

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