Bert McCracken revisits his past with In Love and Death: The Lost Notebook

For keepers of notebooks, it can be unnerving to invite the world to see the scribbles, ideas, and truths that were never meant for anyone else. For the Used’s Bert McCracken, keeping a journal was the only way he could reckon with what was happening around him. The early 2000s were an agonizing time for McCracken, dealing with the death of his longtime girlfriend and the loss of his dog. Through it all, he documented the experience in a notebook, which contained the lyrics, imagery, scribbles, and more that would eventually become In Love and Death, the band’s seminal second album.

The journal was stashed in McCracken’s parents’ house along with other pertinent artifacts from the Used’s early days. Somehow, the notebook that charted the development of In Love and Death ended up in the hands of someone who would try to sell it online. After a friend intervened, McCracken got the notebook back. “Cracking it open for the first time in two decades brought back so many feelings,” he says in the book’s intro. “My emotions spiked as I flipped through the pages. I couldn’t believe what I’d written — how brave I was in my early 20s.”

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After the notebook resurfaced, McCracken decided to publish its pages, aptly titled In Love and Death: The Lost Notebook. The book is a direct portal into his mindset as a young adult trying to make sense of a world that was constantly shifting under his feet. Looking at the entries — snippets of songs that would eventually become the tracklist for In Love and Death — McCracken was confronted with a version of himself who wrote without hesitation. 

Now, with the Used continuing their 25th anniversary tour, McCracken opens up about reconnecting with his past self through In Love and Death: The Lost Notebook, the memories the book brought back, and preparing to reunite with My Chemical Romance next year.

What someone writes in a journal is incredibly personal, and it becomes a time capsule of sorts. After losing this specific journal for a significant amount of time, was it ever a daunting decision to release and publish it?

Yeah, it always feels really daunting to let yourself go like that. I feel the same way when I’m about to put out any records. That kind of vulnerability is nerve-racking, but it’s also really exciting to share this crazy time capsule from 2004.

There was a point where you wrote, “Will I be in a bad mood all the time when I’m older?” That felt so poignant because when you’re in your late teens or early 20s, it feels like emotions will last forever. When you look back at that version of you, do you see certain scribbles or lines or ideas that seemed like throwaway moments then, but now you’re like, “Oh, that really mattered”?

Yeah, for sure. Most of the stuff is just free-form, came out as it was. A lot of those songs were first-draft songs. It was a crazy time. I think those throwaway moments are always useful. You can go back and steal from yourself. Sometimes I look back through. Usually, I like to focus on the moment and how I’m feeling then, to keep the record as a time capsule, too. But every once in a while, I’ll find something I was brave enough to say back then that I probably wouldn’t say now and say it.

In the book’s intro, you wrote about how the older we get, the scarier it becomes to put ourselves out there. There’s a fearlessness when you’re young, and you don’t feel judged as much. When you read the notebook now, what surprised you about the younger version of you and your voice and writing style?

I feel like I was very brave back then, able to just throw up these beautiful love songs that now would take me more time and effort to write. Also, just the fact that so much was happening that wasn’t on the internet. Things were visceral. It’s crazy how different it is now, with everything right at your fingertips.

The physical, tangible aspect of writing something down. You talk about people writing in their Notes app now versus actual handwriting. How did actually seeing your handwriting all these years later help shape your insight into who you were then?

If I find something I love, I end up writing it down anyway. I was kind of a monster back then. I was up for anything, always down for whatever was going on, and the world was just this huge place I hadn’t explored. You can really see that in the scribbles and the words — there’s yearning and a real longing to reach out. Now, it’s not all paper. There are a lot of voice notes and Notes app entries, but it’s all combined.

Do you often go back to your journals and see progression from year to year, notebook to notebook? 

Yeah, it’s a crazy progression. It’s wild to see where I was in those moments. A lot of it was back when I was drinking really heavily, so it’s wild to see the different person I was compared to who I am now. You get that crazy nostalgia for the 20 years since I wrote any of that stuff.

Did reading the notebook remind you of memories or close any gaps? Did you recall certain experiences or moments you’d had?

Yeah. I can remember exactly where I was when I wrote every single word. As soon as I see the lines, I remember, “Oh yeah, I was sitting on John Feldmann’s floor in his studio with a little CD player, or sitting in the car in the parking lot of the apartment we lived in.” I have vivid memories when I look back.

You talk about the first pass of lyrics for “Let It Bleed” when you were sitting on John Feldmann’s studio floor. You two have been friends and collaborators for years, so having that memory come back must have been nice.

It was wild. He has always been like a brother since we first met. He really forced me out of my comfort zone during this record. I experienced a really brutal death in my life, and if it wasn’t for his work ethic and passion, I don’t think I would have captured it in songs or in that notebook. He kind of forced me to write it down, which is beautiful.

Fans connected deeply with In Love and Death. Did revisiting the notebook help you rediscover or redefine those songs now, 21 years later?

I remember the raw energy and all the passion when we were recording those songs. We’ve been on this 25-year anniversary tour playing In Love and Death all year long. It’s wild to see how the songs progress and change — we take a little out, we put a little in. Being onstage and bouncing these nostalgic moments off the crowd, having them sing every word… It’s magical. And it all started from that little scrappy notebook.

An artist’s process is something that people aren’t always privy to. Getting your hands back on the journal and seeing the 20-year-old version of you, and now knowing where it took you and the band, is really powerful. 

Yeah, it’s insane. It’s wild to look back at every single one. I just found the Lies for the Liars one, and it’s in a little teeny leather notebook. It’s full of the same kind of magic. Hopefully, someday I’ll put them all out.

Is that something you’re interested in — releasing more, even in a different way, not necessarily a book?

I feel like this might just be a one-off.

You don’t want to give everybody everything you’ve ever written.

Yeah, exactly. Hopefully, someday I’ll write a fiction novel and put that out. That’s a dream of mine.

Is there anything you’re reading currently that’s inspiring you?

Yeah, the new Thomas Pynchon novel. It’s called Shadow Ticket. It’s really, really hard. 

Also, there was some big news that dropped today with the Used preparing to reunite with My Chemical Romance. How did that come about?

It was crazy to hear from them. It’s been a long time coming.

You guys took them out on one of their first tours, right?

Yeah, we took them out on a bunch of their first tours to Europe. We’ve been in the trenches with them the whole time. So it’s finally like, “Yeah, mom and dad are back together again.”

It was just a few weeks ago that you were on Steve-O’s podcast talking about them and going on the road together again, too. 

We ran into their manager at When We Were Young, and they are a super old friend of ours. I guess he’s managing them again, and that probably helped a bit. But we’re stoked. They only asked us a couple of days ago, and we were all like, “Wow, that’s the wildest thing. All right, for sure. We’ll do it.”