TULUM, MÉXICO — In a move experts are calling “the final confrontation between natural beauty and bulk savings,” Costco announced Monday that it will begin construction of a state-of-the-art warehouse directly on Tulum’s pristine beachfront.
Company executives claimed the initiative aims to “bring affordable tubs of guacamole and 4-liter bottles of sunscreen directly to where they’re most spiritually needed.” The new branch will feature ocean-view forklift parking and a members-only swim-up food court offering $1.50 hot dogs served on biodegradable surfboards.
“We’re bringing convenience to paradise,” said Costco spokesperson Maribel Gómez, proudly standing where sea turtles once nested. “Imagine sipping coconut water while comparing prices on 48-pack toilet paper under the radiant Caribbean sun. That’s progress.”
Company officials say the drive-thru bulk-buy palace will “blend seamlessly with the local environment,” thanks to a planned 40-meter façade featuring a mural of Kirkland Signature products riding dolphins. Construction crews will bulldoze a “reasonable number” of palm trees to make room for the store’s hot dog stand, double-decker parking garage, and state-of-the-art sand-resistant tire center.
“We know Mexico’s population is growing, and so is the need for 120-packs of AA batteries,” said Mauricio Talayero, Costco Mexico’s finance director. “If the ancient Maya returned, they’d probably want a bulk vat of guac for their next ballgame. That’s just economic progress.” Talayero shrugged off critics who question whether towering warehouse stores belong beside places usually reserved for iguanas and Instagrammers, vowing to continue the company’s expansion “despite the authorities, despite the USMCA renegotiations, and despite not finding an extra-large beach umbrella that meets our strict quality standards.”
In its boldest move since introducing free samples of lukewarm pizza, Costco has also revealed its plan to cement its concrete legacy directly atop Mexico’s most cherished cultural and natural landmarks: smack next to the Parroquia church in San Miguel de Allende.
Locals voiced concerns about traffic and the acoustic power of Costco’s opening-day mariachis echoing off centuries-old church walls. However, a representative explained that every shopper will receive a commemorative sandcastle bucket and a “Buy 1 Get 48” coupon for communion wafers.
Analysts predict that these developments mark the beginning of a new era where Tulum’s sea turtles and San Miguel’s parishioners alike can finally unite in the noble pursuit of bulk mayonnaise and discounted patio furniture.
El Jalapeño is a satirical news outlet. Every story here is a masterclass in creative fiction, served with extra sarcasm and zero factual seasoning. Nothing reported should be treated as real news or legitimate information. For the brave souls seeking context, the original article that inspired this piece can be found here.
