How Pain Changed Me More Than Any Resolution Ever Did

The biggest changes in my life did not come from resolutions. They came from pain. Physical pain. Emotional pain. Identity pain. The kind that forces you to slow down long enough to ask better questions.

That is also how I became friends with Brian Bradley.

Not through a business introduction or a formal program, but through a conversation that challenged how I thought about pain, responsibility, self-love love and leadership at a moment when I was finally ready to hear it.

As we step into a new year, I want to pass along three lessons from that relationship that changed how I show up as a wife, a mother and a boss, and gave me the structure and resilience to keep getting stronger instead of starting over every January.

Before you read on, I will ask one thing: suspend judgment. This is not about blame or fixing yourself. It is about understanding yourself.

1. Pain isn’t the problem. It is the signal.

Most of us want pain to stop.

That is human. When something hurts, the instinct is to ask, Why is this happening to me? But that question rarely leads anywhere useful.

A better question is, “What is this trying to show me?”

Brian helped me see pain differently. Not as punishment or failure, but as information. Pain is often the conduit that keeps us from dealing with something else. Something unresolved. Something misaligned.

That does not mean pain is your fault. Most pain blindsides us. Injury. Loss. Burnout. Life does not send a calendar invite.

But once the initial shock passes, pain gives you a choice. You can rush to silence it and return to your old baseline, or you can listen long enough to understand who you are being asked to become.

That shift alone changed how I approach my body, my work and my relationships. This is why Brian often says pain is a gift. Not because it is pleasant, but because it penetrates deep — so that you can transform.

2. Better questions create better outcomes

One of the most practical things Brian taught me is deceptively simple: if you do not like the answer you are getting, ask a better question.

Doctors are human. Coaches are human. Leaders are human. The quality of the output is directly tied to the quality of the input.

This applies far beyond medicine.

Instead of asking, What should I do? Ask questions that force care and clarity. Questions that take someone off autopilot.

In fitness, most people focus on what workout they are doing. A better question is, How does this affect me physically, mentally, and emotionally?

In business, instead of asking, How do I grow faster? Ask, How does this decision affect my capacity to lead tomorrow?

When I aligned my actions with how I wanted to feel, I no longer needed external motivation. I built consistency by trusting myself instead. And consistency, not intensity, is what compounds over time. Tony Robbins calls this the two millimeter shift. Small, intelligent adjustments that change everything over time.

3. Self-love is not narcissism. It is a requirement.

This is where people get uncomfortable.

We have been conditioned to believe that openly loving yourself is arrogant or self-absorbed. That confidence should be quiet. That self-approval needs to be earned. Brian dismantled that belief for me with one simple sentence: You cannot give away what you do not have.

You cannot offer patience, clarity, or leadership if you are depleted and resentful. You cannot serve others well if, deep down, you do not approve of yourself.

This is not about affirmations or hype. It is about self-approval.

One of the most powerful examples Brian shared was watching his sister struggle with her weight for years. She tried every program that promised transformation. Nothing — stuck.

So he coached her to do something radically different. For 21 days, she stood in front of the mirror and said, I love myself just the way I am. I approve.

For the first two weeks, the voice in her head pushed back hard. Liar, it said. Every time.

Then around day fifteen, something shifted. Instead of liar, the voice said, No, but you want to. And you will.

That was the turning point. She realized she did not yet see herself as worthy of change, love or abundance, and that insight changed everything.

When words or situations, even our own thoughts, hurt us, the pain often is not about intent. Words and thoughts become emotions in the receiver. That does not make anyone a villain. It makes self-awareness essential.

Humility is not thinking less of yourself. It is being secure enough to hear feedback, learn from it, and stay intact.

And that level of humility is only possible when self-love is already present.

Why this matters at the start of a New Year

Anyone can point at a camera and say, This is your year! What matters is whether you believe it when no one is watching.

Quiet belief. The kind that does not argue back. The kind that does not need applause. If you say, This is my year, and something inside you immediately pushes back, that is not failure. That is information.

This year is not about becoming someone new. It is about shedding what no longer serves you and asking better questions before repeating old patterns with a new calendar.

Pain, when listened to, becomes a teacher. Not because it is pleasant, but because it is honest.

How this changed how I show up

These lessons did not just change how I think. They changed how I live.

They made me more present as a wife, more patient as a mother, and more grounded as a leader. I stopped confusing exhaustion with virtue and discipline with punishment.

I built a structure that supports me instead of breaking me. And that structure created resilience, not rigidity.

I am stronger now, not because life got easier, but because I learned how to interpret it differently.

One of the things that sets Brian apart is that he does not hide behind a platform. He answers people. He listens. He gives without posturing.

If this article resonated with you, I will offer something simple: reach out to him directly and tell him what landed for you.

As we move into this new year, remember this: pain does not ruin lives. Avoidance does.

When you stop avoiding the signal and start listening to it, you do not just heal.

You evolve.

And that is a far better way to begin a year than any resolution ever written.