Since Patrick Star first posed it to Squidward Tentacles, the internet hasn’t been able to get the question, “Is mayonnaise an instrument?” out of its collective head. Luckily, experts have finally stepped in to give us an answer.
Those experts include Hellmann’s, the world’s biggest mayo brand, and researchers at Northumbria University, led by Dr. Rachael Durkin, its Head of Global Music Technologies, who employed fields like acoustics, musicology, and organology—the study of musical instruments—to put the question to rest.
Their inquiry takes inspiration from one of SpongeBob SquarePants’s most beloved early episodes, “Band Geeks.” In a much-memed scene, curmudgeon Squidward polls a room to see if anyone has experience playing a musical instrument. When Patrick raises his hand to ask if mayo counts, Squidward immediately shuts him down: “No, Patrick,” he says, “mayonnaise is not an instrument.”
But 25 years later, Durkin and her team are pushing back against Squidward. They measured mayo against the Hornbostel-Sachs system, a global standard for classifying musical instruments that organizes them by what vibrates to produce sound. Their research revealed that not only is mayo an instrument, it fits the bill in multiple ways: in a jar, in a squeeze bottle, and on its own outside of a container.
“Far from resisting categorisation, mayonnaise turns out to be remarkably versatile: it can be classified in more ways than many conventional instruments,” reads the report.
The report goes on to compare mayo to other unconventional instruments from music history, from composer Erik Satie’s use of a typewriter for percussion to Austria’s Vegetable Orchestra making music from leeks, carrots, and more picks from the produce aisle. In every case, the choice to treat an object as an instrument is what makes it one, and mayo is no exception.
“Music has always evolved through experimentation. When you look at the core principles of how instruments create sound, you realise the possibilities for unconventional materials are endless,” Durkin said in a press release. “Exploring something like mayonnaise isn’t just about fun; it challenges our assumptions and invites us to think far more creatively about what music can be.”
Hellmann’s experiment didn’t stop at academia. The company also put its research into practice, enlisting musician and influencer Andy Arthur Smith to create a fully produced song using only mayo as an instrument.
Smith, who’s known for his own experimentation with music, rose to the challenge, creating a song aptly titled “Mayonnaise Is an Instrument” that uses the sounds of squeezing, smacking, and plopping mayo to create a rich backing track.
“It’s a question that’s been around for years, but no one’s really tried to answer it properly,” Smith said. “Seeing people actually make music with mayonnaise and turning it into a real track has been wild. It shouldn’t work, but somehow it does.”
“We’re bringing a new texture to music!” he added.
Now, we just need another brand to answer Patrick’s implied follow-up question: is relish an instrument? According to Hellmann’s, signs point to yes.
