Lily Allen’s revenge against a cheating partner was accompanied by musical notes. Her pricey and much-discussed divorce resulted in an acclaimed album, but it was also confirmation that, today, infidelity has different faces and meanings.
Social media, messaging apps and dating apps have opened up a parallel universe for virtual indiscretions that (for some) can be more damaging than physical ones. Spanish journalist Manuel Jabois addressed this in a column for EL PAÍS, which he wrote after a friend told him that he’d been messaging a woman every day for months. “But we didn’t sleep together, no way… I respect my girlfriend,” the friend clarified.
What other situations can involve cheating? When the avenues for contacting others — be they acquaintances or strangers — are endless, and when we have direct access to countless photos and videos of other people (whether they’re normal, suggestive, or explicit) how is the concept of fidelity altered in 2025?
Infidelity 3.0
In a conversation with EL PAÍS, sexologist and writer Valérie Tasso explains that infidelity has always been more of a social concept, rather than a biological or legal one. Its definition changes with the culture. “The digital world has accelerated this transformation. [Today], we’re seeing scenarios that didn’t exist before. These new digital spaces — such as OnlyFans or ChatGPT — add new problems and nuances: there isn’t always another human being on the other end [of the screen], there isn’t always reciprocity… and there isn’t always a romantic intention,” she explains.
The body isn’t betrayed. [But] emotional intimacy [is violated], which is the deepest, most vulnerable and most significant part of the bond
“In content like [what can be found on] OnlyFans, for example, the act itself is passive consumption… but it can become more personal if there are private messages, or if a virtual relationship is taking place. But can we talk about infidelity even if there isn’t genital contact?”
“I don’t believe that technology defines the concept of infidelity,” Tasso clarifies. “It’s the couples who do, and they must define their boundaries.” Indeed, conversation is key to assessing what each person understands to be an act of infidelity.
“With OnlyFans making the viewer-creator relationship so immediate, there are difficult new questions for partners to consider, from whether your beau is directly messaging the
creator, to how much money they spend [on the site],” Magdalene J. Taylor writes in The Cut. “Perhaps all of [this] sounds complicated, but it’s precisely these types of nuances that have come to define an ultra-contemporary relationship conundrum and its lack of a conclusive answer: is using OnlyFans ‘cheating’?”
Since OnlyFans uses chatbots to impersonate its most famous content creators when they can’t keep up with responding to fans, engaging with the platform could already be considered a form of chatting with artificial intelligence (AI). But let’s go beyond this particular platform: is a conversation with someone your partner doesn’t know, an exchange that becomes too intimate, infidelity? Does watching pornography regularly count? Or exchanging photos that, while not explicit, are suggestive?
Is it an infidelity to share secrets or relationship matters that should remain private? Is it cheating if you find yourself thinking more than you should about the person on the other side of a screen?
That harmless ‘like’
Iratxe López, a general health psychologist, believes that communication is essential to avoiding misunderstandings and hurt feelings. She gives an example: maintaining contact with an ex on social media. “For some people, following an ex-partner and staying in touch with them is insignificant; for others, it’s disrespectful and crosses an emotional boundary. This isn’t about control, but about nurturing the relationship. Talking about boundaries is a sign of emotional maturity: ‘This hurts me,’ ‘This makes me feel insecure,’ ‘This is a betrayal.’ And these agreements need to be reviewed over time, because relationships change, needs change… and the ways in which we connect with others change,” she explains.
“Today, you can build an intimate bond without leaving your couch. [This could involve] sending emotionally-charged private messages and giving intentional ‘likes’ — not neutral likes, but those that seek connection and impact, or are intended to be seen by a specific person — to having conversations that become an emotional refuge. Technology facilitates parallel relationships that don’t seem so serious, because there’s no sex. But emotionally, they break the pact of the bond just as much as, or even more than, a physical indiscretion. The body isn’t betrayed, but emotional intimacy [is violated], which is the deepest, most vulnerable and most significant part of the bond.”
When part of your intimacy, your attention, or your need for connection begins to slip out of the relationship, even subtly, the emotional pact is already eroding
Privacy is a matter of respect within a relationship. And it’s within this context that the issue of respecting what each person does with their mobile phone arises, since the device is a direct gateway to countless conversations and connections. In some countries, government campaigns have reminded young people that giving your partner control of your mobile phone isn’t only a form of control, but can also constitute a form of abuse.
Tasso believes that the boundary in this murky area should be established through agreements, not suspicions. “From there, it’s important to understand that, in a healthy relationship, each person maintains a private space, even when they’re deeply connected. And, if you don’t have one, I encourage you to start creating it, because it’s fundamental for the good of the relationship,” she emphasizes. “The line is crossed when the attempt to protect the relationship ends up invading the other person’s autonomy and privacy.”
“The key is how you manage your feelings about your relationship together. It’s legitimate to feel insecure if your partner flirts on Instagram, likes someone’s posts, or leaves suggestive comments on a girl or guy’s Instagram… but insecurity doesn’t justify spying,” she warns.
Lara Ferreiro, a psychologist and expert in couples therapy, believes that digital agreements become essential. This is the act of defining together what constitutes privacy, what you want to share and what belongs to each person’s private space. “Transparency doesn’t mean unlimited access, and love isn’t demonstrated by exposing every [single] message or online activity. Respecting these boundaries is what provides emotional stability and reduces unnecessary tension,” she asserts.
Ferreiro points out that it’s also important to understand that digital activity doesn’t automatically equate to infidelity. “Following someone, interacting on social media, or consuming content doesn’t always imply disloyalty. Oftentimes, it’s about curiosity, fantasy, or simply habit. Ultimately, the difference between interest and control is defined by trust: allowing the other person to have their own space, even online, strengthens the relationship.”
Ferreiro emphasizes that, instead of using technology as a surveillance tool, couples need to have honest conversations about boundaries, fears and expectations. “When that balance is established, intimacy becomes stronger and the connection is more authentic, even in the digital age,” she adds.
Christoph Kraemer, managing director for Europe at Ashley Madison, refers to a study that was conducted by the dating app. “For the vast majority of members, having intimate relations with someone outside the relationship constitutes infidelity (85%)… [but] the definition of infidelity becomes less clear when it comes to flirting. Only 28% consider flirting in person to be unfaithful, compared to 42% who do feel cheated on when it happens virtually. This is an example that demonstrates how the boundaries of what’s considered acceptable in the real world and the virtual environment have changed,” he explains.
“Another surprising finding of the study is that, while 51% [of those surveyed] say that falling in love with someone else is infidelity, 45% think that simply having a profile on a dating app constitutes infidelity,” Kraemer points out.
An introduction to micro-cheating
Some consider “liking” photos of someone you find attractive or direct-messaging them to be micro-cheating, a term that doesn’t convince Iratxe López at all.
“Using the prefix ‘micro’ can minimize the act itself and the damage it causes. If it hurts you and breaks trust, it’s not ‘micro.’ When we talk about ‘micro-cheating,’ we’re not referring to small, insignificant infidelities, but to behaviors that involve a displacement of intimacy,” she explains.
These behaviors, the psychologist clarifies, would involve having private, emotionally-charged conversations that are hidden from your partner, or sharing vulnerabilities or problems with someone else rather than your partner. Other behaviors may include investing more enthusiasm into certain chats than in a real relationship; responding quickly (and with selective affection) to a stranger, while neglecting messages from your primary relationship; actively following someone online who you find attractive, in order to seek their attention; or creating parallel emotional spaces such as accounts, chats, or digital interactions that your partner is unaware of.
“Essentially, micro-cheating isn’t about specific acts, but about intention: when part of your intimacy, your attention, or your need for connection begins to drift away from the relationship, even subtly, the emotional bond is already eroding. That’s not innocent and it violates the relational pact,” Iratxe López warns.
Viki Morandeira, a couples coach, believes that what’s considered to be infidelity varies depending on gender. “For women, emotional intimacy — their partner opening up emotionally to another woman — is usually equated with infidelity. [But] this isn’t usually the case for men. And they’ll defend themselves if their partner discovers and accuses them of infidelity, because, in general, men only consider infidelity to have occurred if there has been sexual contact,” she explains.
Morandeira adds that most infidelities that break up a couple don’t begin with a search for sex. “They start with innocent conversations, when the brain receives validation, [or] when a person displays a more exciting personality than the one [they have] at home. Online flirting is the perfect breeding ground for infidelity, fueled by hormonal and cognitive factors,” she comments.
It’s worth remembering Jabois’ words: “[The notion] that these kinds of relationships — 200 messages a day, photo exchanges and addictive attachments to another person, without ever touching them — are maintained to avoid actual cheating is the ultimate joke: there’s more infidelity in a ‘goodnight’ from bed while watching a show with your partner, that a quickie or two with a stranger in an elevator.”
The problem is that, today — in addition to the “goodnight” — we must add the endless and explicit offerings of platforms such as OnlyFans, likes with opaque intentions and, ultimately, a digital landscape that facilitates infidelity, without it actually having a clear definition.
In the end, there’s more infidelity taking place on your phone than at the bar.
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