They say that The Simpsons has predicted everything under the sun, and it’s true that there’s one episode of the animated series that reflects on how common it is for men to be completely clueless about the art of gift-giving, something that many women, however, do master. It’s the one where Homer Simpson gives his wife, Marge, a bowling ball with his name etched on it. One of the last sketches of the year on Saturday Night Live captures a Christmas scene that many will find familiar: while each member of the family receives expensive and heartfelt gifts, the mother only gets a bathrobe. In fact, Diana Oliver, recently writing in this newspaper about the unequal burden on men and women during Christmas, recounted the case of a 46-year-old woman from Madrid named Marta who said the excitement of the holidays often turns into a burden when it comes to buying gifts. “What exhausts me the most is taking care of all the gifts: checking that there is stock, finding the best prices, managing shipments and making sure that everything arrives on time,” she explained, while clarifying that her partner does not perceive the urgency or the real burden of this job.
In an article in The New York Times titled “Why Are Some Men Such Awkward Gift Givers? Let Them Explain,” a 45-year-old graphic novelist named Steve Ellis confessed to being incapable of giving good gifts. “His go-to present for his wife used to be flowers, which seems nice — if you ignore the fact that she has made her living as a gardener and landscape designer. No matter the occasion, and no matter how hard he tries, Mr. Ellis said, his attempts usually end in disaster,” writes Sridhar Pappu, the article’s author.
A study called “Women Are Better at Selecting Gifts than Men‚” conducted by two researchers from the School of Communication in Tilburg, Netherlands, was designed to examine the widespread belief that women are better at selecting gifts than men. Given the lack of objective analysis at the time, Monique M. H. Pollmann and Ilja van Beest sought to explain the gender differences in gift selection. The results indicate that women are better at choosing the best gift for others, and this gender difference, according to the data, stems from their greater interpersonal interest in others. “Or,” as one study participant responded to the question of who gives better gifts, “I would say women do because women actually think about the gift they are giving. Guys don’t,” they stated.
Rafael San Román, author of What do I tell my psychologist?, explains that giving gifts is a skill that involves being an attentive, generous and timely person. “I think there needs to be a balance between the gift-giver’s skills and the recipient’s willingness to help. There’s nothing inherently wrong with letting the other person know what they want; it simply makes life easier. Many people associate gifts with surprise and understand that when the other person gets it right, they’ve taken the time to observe them carefully and get to know them well enough to choose the perfect present. But sometimes that’s not the case,” the psychologist explains. “Generally speaking, both in the realm of gifts and relationships, we need to be aware of who we’re with, appreciate the overall picture, and, as the years go by, with their corresponding birthdays and holidays, accept that perhaps it’s time to acknowledge that our boyfriend isn’t the best gift-giver in the world,” the psychologist says.
Paige Connell, the influencer who advocates for the equitable division of household chores and shares her marital experience with her followers on social media, disagrees. She attributes this widespread phenomenon to the strategic incompetence that Jared Sandberg alluded to in a 2007 article in The Wall Street Journal. She notes that many men were putting in the effort with their girlfriends, fiancées, and even as newlyweds, but appeared to give up when kids came along and the wife took over the job of gift-giving. “So now he doesn’t know how to give gifts, he doesn’t know what anybody likes, he forgets that the holidays are even happening because…why? what happened to his brain between then and now? Well somebody else started doing it for him, and he realized ‘I don’t have to do it,’”she asserts.
The psychologist Marta de Prado suggests it’s a matter of how people have been socialized emotionally. “Women typically learn from a young age to attend to needs and even anticipate them; to think carefully about nurturing the relationship and to reflect on the gift and its message. We tend to be constantly attentive to see if the other person mentions liking something, so that when we give a gift, we can show that we know them and that we care. The gift, therefore, carries a specific meaning,” says the psychologist. “But then, what happens to many men? Their focus isn’t so much on the emotional aspect, but rather on the practical. In fact, many couples come to therapy talking about this. It’s not a lack of love, but rather that they haven’t had that emotional or symbolic training. I think perhaps we should help them give gifts with empathy and emotional awareness,” she says.
The Cut published an inquiry from a woman complaining that her boyfriend “sucks at gifts.” “I’m not asking him to read my mind — I will literally show him a picture of something and be like, “If you’re ever thinking of getting a gift for me, this thing would be good!” and he still just … doesn’t? We’ve been together for five years and this has always been the case,” notes the frustrated reader.
So, is it necessary to demand that men know how to meet expectations when giving gifts, or should we accept that the gift might not live up to these expectations? Marta de Prado believes that frustration can arise when expectations are not met. “I think we shouldn’t settle because the problem, beyond the gift itself, lies in the emotional connection. The problem isn’t asking, but asking from a place of pent-up anger,” she says. Hewitt goes further and shares a controversial impression: that if a man really makes an effort, it’s because he expects sex in return. In Love Actually, Alan Rickman’s character buys a nice gift for the young woman he wants to sleep with, not for his wife, played by Emma Thompson. “After a few years of giving and not receiving sex, as the patriarchal economy is supposed to work, I suspect that many men lose their enthusiasm for buying gifts for their wives or partners. In effect, they go on a gift strike, buying nothing or buying bad gifts, and being ungrateful for the gifts they do receive, as a way of getting angry about not receiving the only gift they really want: Christmas fellatio…,” he says bluntly.
In any case, it’s worth keeping in mind that while not everyone has the gift of giving good gifts, mastering this skill requires being attentive to the needs of others. Because ultimately, caring for someone means listening to their desires, observing their reactions, and ultimately, knowing how to read them. There’s no better gift than feeling truly seen, and while this gift doesn’t come with a ribbon and there aren’t any special glasses for truly seeing others, the perfect gift, far from having a specific price, is the one that demonstrates empathy and genuine attention.
Sign up for our weekly newsletter to get more English-language news coverage from EL PAÍS USA Edition
