Ask Rebecca is smart, honest advice to readers’ questions about life, family and relationships by columnist Rebecca Eckler. Got a question for Rebecca? Submit it anonymously on the form here. You can also send an email to NPadvice@postmedia.com.
Dear Rebecca:
My teenage daughter is working as a counsellor at an overnight camp this summer just outside Ottawa and she’s miserable.
Almost every night she calls me in tears, begging to come home. She says she has a couple of friends, but doesn’t fit in with the other counsellors who stay up late partying and leave her out. She’s never been much of a partier and feels lonely and excluded.
This isn’t like her. She’s bright, responsible, involved at school, has close friends and has never quit anything. If anything, she’s the child who sticks things out, which is why I’m taking this so seriously.
I’ve spoken to the camp, and they’ve assured me they’re checking in and trying to include her. But my phone still rings and I hear the same heartbreak in her voice.
Part of me thinks this is an important life lesson. She’s not going to love every job she has, and learning to work with difficult people is part of growing up. But the mom in me wants her home immediately.
How do I know the difference between teaching a teenager resilience and prolonging genuine misery? Should I encourage her to stick it out, or let her come home? — Caught Between My Head and My Heart
Dear Caught Between My Head and My Heart
I was only halfway through your letter before I was mentally mapping the drive to Ottawa and your daughter’s camp. Not because I was curious where it was. I was figuring out how fast I could get there.
Honestly? With every protective mama-bear bone in my body, my first instinct was to stop writing this, go pick your daughter up, throw her duffel bag in the trunk, stop for pie on the way home, and tell her being a camp counsellor is wildly overrated.
Then, about 30 seconds later, I remembered that parenting is less about your first instinct and more about immediately questioning it. Then questioning the questioning.
Go get her. Worst-case scenario, she quits one camp job. Best-case scenario, you both sleep soundly.
Seriously, though, I’ve been that parent, lying awake wondering whether I’m building resilience or just extending my kid’s misery. Like most parents, including you, I don’t want to raise my kids to confuse “this is hard” with “I should quit.”
Teenagers need to learn that not every boss is likeable, not every job is fun, and not every coworker is kind and welcoming. In fact, one of the least exciting lessons we learn into adulthood is that cliques don’t disappear after teenagehood — they just start emailing calendar invites.
But your daughter doesn’t sound like she’s having an ordinary bad week. She isn’t calling because she’s homesick. She isn’t complaining about the food, difficult campers, boredom or long hours in the heat. She’s calling because, night after night, she feels lonely, excluded, and like she doesn’t belong.
Parenting is always exhausting but there are days when every option feels wrong. Let her quit? Congratulations, you’ve raised a quitter. Make her stay? Congratulations, you’ve just given her future therapist material.
If this were my daughter and she’d called once, sobbing, I’d probably tell her to hang in there. Twice? Probably the same. But every night for weeks? At some point, I’d stop asking, “What lesson am I teaching if I let her leave?” and start asking myself, “What lesson am I teaching if I force her to stay?”
What struck me most is that you write this behaviour is completely out of character. You describe a bright, involved teenager with close friends who sticks with things. She’s already shown you she’s resilient.
You made sure the camp tried to support her. You gave time for her experience to improve there. But it hasn’t. Leaving one emotionally unbearable situation, like your daughter is living through, isn’t the same as raising someone who quits every time life gets hard.
I’m not trying to raise children who never quit. I’m trying to raise ones who know the difference between a bad day, a bad week and a situation that’s simply not good for their mental well-being.
I think the right thing to do is stop asking, “What happens if I let her leave?” and start asking, “What happens if I insist she stays?” If she comes home, she hasn’t failed. If she chooses to stay, she doesn’t automatically become resilient.
Real resilience isn’t staying at all costs. It’s learning to tell the difference between a challenge that’s helping our children grow and one that’s simply making our children deeply unhappy.
From your letter it sounds like your daughter isn’t the only one having a miserable summer. She spends her evenings crying. You spend yours wondering if the next phone call should end with, “Hang in there” or “I’m on my way.”
Whatever happens, please don’t measure your parenting by whether she stays or leaves. Measure it by whether your daughter knows she can call you when life gets hard and messy. That’s a lesson she’ll need long after camp is over. Now, please…
Go get her.
Love, Rebecca
Rebecca Eckler is an internationally bestselling author, founder of re:books publishing, Rivkah Books, and co-founder of CANREADS. She’s a professional oversharer and observer of human behaviour, and has spent decades writing about life’s messy twists.
Have a question for Rebecca? Email NPadvice@postmedia.com or send your question anonymously by clicking here.
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