I am not a pediatrician, but I am a parent. In my capacity as someone’s mother, I have experienced the sleepless nights of the infant years. This makes me a keen observer of all things related to getting children of all ages to sleep.
If you’re a chronically online person like me, you’ll likely have heard a myth that the family-friendly nation of Denmark has banned “cry-it-out” sleep training (here’s what actually happened there). If you’re on parenting message boards, you’ve certainly seen tired moms debate whether sleep training a child by letting them cry alone until they go off to Dreamland is a family’s salvation or the worst form of child abuse. Whether to let a baby fuss unsoothed at bedtime – and for how long – is one of the most vicious parenting debates of the 21st century. While I am not an expert on the science of babies’ sleep, I do know it’s mothers’ who will suffer if we end sleep training.
For those who aren’t familiar with the players in this discourse, allow me to provide some context. A parent innocently researching approaches to children’s sleep will likely come across articles like this one in Psychology Today. Here, psychology professor Dr. Darcia F. Narvaez opines: “If you are going to have a baby, you need to figure out a way to be with the child during the first three years of life.” The La Leche League also wants to scare you into abandoning Sleep Training: “How the adult brain reacts to stress is wired by early development.” These are terrifying words for a new mom to read at two in the morning!
The pro-sleep training side has its own experts. Common arguments for those who advocate more aggressive sleep training are that it is good for parents (because more sleep) and good for babies (because learning to fall asleep without constantly being held or soothed can establish better sleep habits). Perhaps the most famous (or infamous, depending on whom you ask) proponent of letting the baby cry is Richard Ferber.
Dr. Ferber is a successful pediatrician who published Solving Your Child’s Sleep Problems in 1985. The idea of “Ferberizing one’s baby” was soon everywhere. It even became a plot point in comedies like Meet The Fockers and the hit sitcom Modern Family. But sleep training isn’t just a joke! Today, it’s become something of a cottage industry. There are even so-called sleep training experts who charge sleep-deprived parents hundreds of dollars an hour to help them resist the heartbreaking sounds of a crying baby long enough for a baby to fall back to sleep.
I am not a scientist, nor do I have the hubris to claim I know which side of the sleep training debate has the more reliable science on its side. However, I am a feminist with extensive knowledge of the history of parenthood – especially motherhood. And regardless of what’s best for babies, history teaches me that guilting families into abandoning the cry-it-out method will be harmful for mothers.
Modern Canada is a place where new mothers receive far less support than they need. A large percentage of women in this country are ineligible for parental leave benefits, and even if you can access them, the increasing cost of living means you may still be struggling to provide for your little one.
Another salient fact in this discussion is that Canada does not provide enough support for people suffering from postpartum mental health issues, which can be exacerbated by sleep deprivation. Research shows mothers are likely to be the ones getting up with infants in the middle of the night. So, when we tell families it’s neglectful to let a baby cry themselves to sleep, that essentially sentences mothers to years of no sleep.
We know sleep deprivation has a host of nasty effects. Everything from a person’s mood to their balance is impacted when they go without rest. In a world without sufficient support for moms, the case against sleep training expects mothers to act as martyrs.
Now, it is possible to imagine a world where we could move past sleep training, if that is indeed what is best for babies. If governments provided free access to well-paid night nurses to tend to babies in the middle of the night a couple of times a week, mom could occasionally catch up on their rest. If men in partnerships with women actually got up in the middle of the night with their children, that would also protect mothers’ physical and mental health. But in a Canada where many people can’t even find a daycare with space for their toddler, a society that truly supports mothers still feels lightyears away.
