Keeping Desire Alive – alive magazine

We are as unique in our sexuality as we are in all other aspects of ourselves. However, generally speaking, we are less knowledgeable, perceptive, and comfortable when it comes to sex. Add to this the fact that many long-term relationships are accompanied by a shift in sexual desire for one or more of the parties, and we have a perplexing situation. Diving into online research or AI can further complicate things with advice that’s vague or uninformed—let’s change that!

Aspects of sexual desire

There are a variety of ways in which sexual desire can shift by circumstance or over time. When this change involves a lower sex drive, it can take many different forms:

• less pleasure in sexual activities
• less interest in sexual or erotic cues from partner
• fewer physical sensations during sexual activity
• no inclination to initiate sexual encounters
• no desire for sexual activity or self-pleasure

If you see yourself in this list, fear not! You’re not alone, and there are ways to explore what’s happening and what actions you might take to spice things up.

Breaking taboos

“Every generation in most cultures has experienced messages of shame about their own sexuality, their desires, their fantasies, their pleasure, and their body,” says Elfi Dillon Shaw, who has spent her career as an RMT, bodyworker, and teacher specializing in somatic sex education. “In other words, sexual shame has many sources, and the absence of frank sexual conversations increases the mystery of something that is in essence meant to be life-giving and connecting.”

Dillon Shaw invites us to be patient with ourselves and our partners—we tend to have a lot of baggage, and some of it is a mystery to us!

The moving target of normal

Dillon Shaw points out that there is no normal when it comes to sexual desire. “Sexual desire and arousal change in adulthood, shaped by the context of the person’s life and the state of their health—which includes physical, emotional, mental, and relational well-being,” she says.

These elements are distinct to each person and can shift over time. What’s normal is that we’re each unique and a work in progress!

Why did things change?

There are countless reasons for changes in our levels of sexual desire. They tend to fall into one or more of these areas:

• medication use or changes and side effects
• hormonal changes, especially with perimenopause and menopause
• relationship changes or issues
• emotional and mental health issues, including depression, anxiety, or stress
• physical health issues, including illness, disease, poor nutrition, or lack of exercise

Getting started

Every relationship is a complex system with each person being made up of many interrelated components. Our level of sexual desire has a strong correlation to our overall health. As you begin to reflect on your own situation, you can start to identify areas to investigate. There are several avenues you might consider:

• research (online, through books, and in dialogue with friends or support networks)
• dialogue with your partner (on your own or facilitated)
• professional consultation (gynecologist, naturopath, and/or therapist)

Patience is required to find likely catalysts and to explore various interventions. It’s seldom a “magic bullet” and more often a cocktail of shifts ranging from natural supplements to couple’s therapy that reignites your love life.

Let’s talk about it!

“Intimate communication skills can offer an entrance into arousal, even when physical automatic sexual charge has diminished,” Dillon Shaw says. “When partners are willing to experience arousal and create an erotic life together, the banquet of erotic choices and offerings can increase. Erotic skill development can be learned—provided each person is willing to explore their own relationship to pleasure and arousal and then share this with their beloved.”

Importantly, “this requires a willingness to be vulnerable and open and honest with ourselves and with our partners,” she says.

Daily rituals

Dillon Shaw notes that our lives can be fast-paced, stressful, and exhausting, which makes accessing sexual energy more challenging. To address this, she recommends simple techniques, sprinkled throughout the day, creating a more fertile ground for sexual intimacy:

1. Touch exercise: Face each other and place your left hand over your heart. With permission, place your right hand over your partner’s heart hand. Share three breaths together with soft eye contact.
2. Two-breath hug: Make a circle with your arms and invite your partner into a hug, holding them in your heart. Share two gentle breaths, then slowly let go.
3. Planting seeds of desire: Throughout the day, intentionally allow yourself to fantasize about erotic engagement with your partner. Each fantasy is a small seed, gently planted. Keep your fantasises realistic, positive, and rooted in emotional and physical connection. Over time, the seeds you’ve planted can help fertilize the ground for growing desire and offer intimate possibilities to explore together.

Getting started

Remember that there is a myriad of aspects to sexual desire, many ways in which it can be impacted, and countless avenues to explore to make a shift. Try having a learner’s mind as you play detective and remember to include your partners in the conversation.

This article was originally published in the May 2026 issue of alive magazine.