It’s no secret that some queer people have had deeply troubling experiences with religion, and for Brandi Carlile, her experience is no exception. While speaking with Dax Shepard on his podcast, “Armchair,” the Grammy-winning singer-songwriter opened up about how she navigated her identity as part of the LGBTQ+ community while raised in a Baptist household. Elsewhere during the podcast, the “Thousand Miles” singer recalled a painful experience when she was denied baptism by a church leader because she was a gay woman.
On the latest episode of the “Armchair” podcast, Carlile speaks with Shepard and his co-host about a slew of topics, from growing up in Seattle to terminal uniqueness to witchcraft and homosexuality.
At a specific point in the episode, Carlile opened up about a harrowing experience she had as a teenager at a church camp.
According to her, she spent the entire week immersed in a Christian environment, preparing to be baptized before her community at the end of the program.
Before the event, though, Carlile said that the pastor pulled her and another kid aside to ask them whether they were gay.
Confused, Carlile recalled answering yes, stating that she was known as “the town gay.” Her honesty, however, stopped her from getting baptized, as the pastor turned her away, forcing her to leave the church in front of a crowd of people.
Carlile said she was “humiliated” and “embarrassed” by the moment, adding that the encounter was “upsetting” for her entire hometown.
Brandi Carlile Had ‘Physical Reactions’ To Christianity After She Was Denied Baptism At A Young Age
This isn’t the first time Carlile has recounted her experience with religion as a gay woman. In her memoir, “Broken Horses,” the singer said she spent most of her childhood trying to fight her natural desires.
“I of course was told for most of my childhood by multiple sources that to be gay was a one-way ticket to hell,” she wrote, according to PEOPLE. “Homosexuality and suicide were the ‘unforgivables,’ and I believed this wholeheartedly.”
After the baptism scandal, Carlile admitted she had spent years doing her own thing and practicing religion in ways that felt comfortable to her. Even then, she revealed that she had “physical reactions” when around deeply religious folks.
“If somebody said that they forgave me, or if somebody called themselves blessed, I would just get so tense. I’m just preparing for the rejection all the time,” she confessed.
Brandi Carlile Says Being ‘Rooted’ In Her Faith Doesn’t Come Easy To Her As A Gay Woman
Years later, though, Carlile is much more comfortable in her own skin and said she feels “more rooted in my faith” than ever before.
However, the religious freedom she feels today doesn’t come naturally to her. She admitted in her book to having to “fight” for a “deeper spiritual understanding” as a queer woman.
“It doesn’t come easy to me. I don’t fit the mold. And in that way, I feel lucky, like I have a more intimate relationship with God than I would if I had an easier time with acceptance around the basic tenets of my faith,” she said.
Carlile’s heartbreaking experience with baptism also helped the singer connect with the parts of religion that best served her.
“It pushed me towards rock and roll music and counter-culturalism in a big way,” she said. “And the day it happened, I went home and I listened to ‘Hallelujah’ by Jeff Buckley and I departed. Music and art was a big safe space for me.”
Carlile Explained That She Feels Like She Still Has Something To Prove
While Carlile is known today as one of the music industry’s outspoken LGBTQ+ artists, the singer admitted she still feels she has something to prove along the way.
“I don’t know if that comes from being in the closet as a kid, but I’m so averse to living a lie that I feel like I’m always needing to tell my truth,” she said.
She went on to say that, as a celebrity, she’ll see something about herself and have to fight the urge to push back if parts of the story are incorrect.
“Everything in me just wants to demonstrate my humanness as much as I can,” she said.
Carlile Isn’t Done Coming Out Of The Closet Just Yet
Continuing, Carlile said that while she’s been out of the closet for years now, the coming-out process is never complete.
“You kind of get up and you decide to come out of the closet every day for your whole life,” she admitted. “My whole life, I’ll be coming out of the closet. I have been coming out of the closet as poor, coming out of the closet as a person of faith, coming out of the closet as a person with a temper, as a person that used to be extremely racially insensitive when I was young and as a person who just doesn’t have it figured out yet.”
