Here’s a quick story. I have a friend. Let’s pretend that her name is Emily for now. In our conversations, Emily tends to ask me questions that I used to find uncomfortable at one point. However, the interesting thing is that those questions were designed to help me reflect inward, deep within myself and arrive at logical resolutions to difficult scenarios.
The tension unfolds
At first, I found the whole thing rather awkward to answer questions like “how does that situation make you feel?” because it required being vulnerable. Over time, I’ve found it useful for processing my feelings during emotional dialogues.
What I noticed is that my friend, whether she knew it or not, was sharpening me and enabling me to make sense of my circumstances in order to make a decision and move forward. And honestly, we need that sometimes.
There is a saying that goes something like, “you are the sum total of the top five people you surround yourself with.” In interpreting this I have always thought that the people who are around us are quietly shaping our standards and outlook on life, including what we tolerate.
This doesn’t mean that if you don’t have any good friends you should live life on solo mode. Nobody is an island and of course, iron sharpens iron but it doesn’t magically happen. It’s related to the law of proximity.
The law of proximity explained
The law of proximity is a Gestalt psychology principle stating that objects positioned close to one another are perceived as a related group, even if they are entirely different in shape or colour. Successful people don’t become that way by accident. They surround themselves with people, and the environment that helps them succeed.
Emily probably doesn’t actively set out with the intention to ask me questions that draw out the true nature of my feelings about a circumstance. It’s tied to her curious nature and way of looking at the world.
What it does do for me is help me name what’s going on in my nervous system and use that as evidence for what I should or shouldn’t do next. Eventually, this helps me learn and grow over time. This is the law of proximity working in my favour.
This is why I would also like to mention out that we are better together, meaning that personal growth doesn’t always happen in isolation. It takes conscious effort and intentional work. If you haven’t thought about it already, I would encourage you to conduct a friend audit today.
Then afterwards, and if necessary, seek out the right people by joining communities around shared interests. If you’ve decided on doing an audit, here are some questions to ask yourself about your current community.
Friend audit questionnaire…
Do you have shared values?
It’s always a good idea to rally around people with the same beliefs as you. It provides a common ground where mutual understanding can thrive.
For example, you might gravitate towards someone in the same profession, from the same faith community, or someone who has a similar worldview.
Who is the smartest in the room?
Consider how you access sound counsel and whether you want to be around mentors and peers who share their knowledge and expertise on certain topics with you.
On the flipside, you can also mentor others. Believe it or not, everyone has wisdom to share because the school of life is always teaching us. Your mentees will gain a lot from your skill and experience.
How are their general habits?
Evaluate the quality of their habits and whether or not you can tolerate their shortcomings or if you are strong enough to resist falling into the same.
If you are working towards healthy living and longevity, you may not want to be too close to someone who neglects their wellbeing or else, you might fall into their habits over time and that would yield negative effects for your health.
Is their energy a positive one?
This is another good question to ask yourself. Do they mirror your energy and enthusiasm or not? Also, do they uplift you and encourage you to be at your best?
Be around a friend who has a positive attitude and growth mindset. They will always see the glass half full and more importantly, make the most out of any situation.
Are you asking each other the right questions?
Be open to people who ask questions that challenge your assumptions, as long as the questioning is done in good faith. It can be beneficial for others to ask you uncomfortable questions that challenge you to think differently.
I’ve mentioned a lot about shared views and beliefs, but you definitely don’t need a “yes man” all the time. Sometimes, it’s someone else’s way of looking at things that just might shed the light and perspective you need. So be slightly open to a difference in opinion once in a while.
What I’ve discovered…
If you already have good friends and the answer is positive to most of these, then I’m genuinely happy for you. Making friends takes time and the truth is that you cannot force associations. You have to let it happen naturally and hope that you’ve made connections that will journey with you for a lifetime.
Don’t overlook the ones who don’t make a lot of noise to announce their presence but are there always on time when you need them the most. They aren’t always loud but their impact in your life is undeniable. These are destiny helpers.
Once in a while, an audit is still good to make sure you’re constantly improving the overall health and quality of these friendships.
Final thoughts…
The purpose of the audit is not necessarily so that you will suddenly drop certain people. Imagine if I wanted to stop being friends with Emily simply because she asked me questions that made me stir in my seat? What a loss that would be. Instead, her way of seeing the world, analyzing sensory information and testing facts has opened new doors for me. I’ve learned to mirror it to others too.
So, take the audit for what it really is. It is and opportunity for you to know how you can improve yourself to be better for others. Or it can help you ask for what you need in the friendship — because progress doesn’t happen in silos.
Either way, I’m rooting for you.
